The Rambling, Wandering Evans

Returning from the Dead... Or at least the Land of Subpar and Absentee Blogging

2007-10-11T20:17:00.001-04:00

It feels strange to come back to the world of blogging after such a long absence. It's almost like wandering the halls after you've just graduated high school: everything's barren and empty, and you can't tell if it's for better or worse that everyone's missing.

It's been over eight months since my last post, and looking back on it all now, I can see that the last few weren't that high of quality. Quite frankly, I was a bit ashamed that I let my blogging dissipate into what it did.

Was I going through an extremely difficult time in my life?

Yes.

Did I have to go about it by sounding like a stereotypical whiny teenager?

No, but I wound up doing it anyways. That could be the reason why I retreated from the realm of blogging for so long, so that I could avoid doing that again until I had regained my writing composure. For that, anyone of you reading this has my most sincere apologies.

Thus, my friends and loyal readers (if there are actually any of you left following my long absence), I have returned. Expect a new post (or even two) by night's end, that will tackle some of the serious issues I have been privy to in the past week.

Until then, compadres. Stay tuned, because good things are coming.

The Unfamiliar Ceiling, and The Unbroken Silence

2007-03-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

It is indeed official. Save for a few sundry items at my old house, which will be obtained shortly, I am completely moved into a new place. It's a good feeling, given the horrors of my old domicile (any of my readers who know me personally and have been to that place know the true gravity of my words).

However, even with this great event, I do not truly feel at ease or completely happy. It extends even beyond the post-moving soreness of moving furniture up stairs, the realization that some small part of you may miss the memories of your old home, or the frustration of trying to rearrange the material contents of your life after boxing them up and throwing them within a new set of walls. It is enough to make escaping the horrid place I once lived seem like a hollow victory...

I still find myself unable to truly sleep, even after the events of over three weeks ago. With the exception of the first night I stayed in Pikeville (which directly followed the dreaded event), I have not slept for over four hours once since then. In actuality, I probably average anywhere from two to three on a given night.

So, at night I am left only with my thoughts, my grief, my love... and of course, the unfamiliar ceiling. Though I've been here since Wednesday, the ceiling is still a stranger to me... One at which I stare for hours on end in the darkness.

However, even in the ennui and twilight when I lay in my bed awake, my gaze does not always remain fixed on the ceiling and all its strange, and sometimes infinite depth. At times, my gaze wanders to the phone... although the ring I hope for does not come.

Rather, there is naught but silence from that phone... But I long for it to ring, for the tune of "I Will" to play once again... So that I could speak to her again, to be able to hear her voice and say anything to her, no matter how absurd or awkward it might be.

Although I doubt that it will truly ring, I still look upon it with hope and a wish... Because if anything, I want to be able to tell her that there is one thing that has not changed...

The feelings that I have had since the day we met...

But, for now, the ceiling remains a mystery and not a sound is to be heard.

Thoughts Plucked from the Darkness

2007-03-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

I would like to apologize in advance for the long and convoluted nature of this post. It has been far too long since I have written (precisely five months, to the day). However, certain recent events in my life have forced me to reevaluate many concepts, and in light of these, I feel that I must remedy this long absence.

With that warning, let us proceed to the actual post itself, and the subsections therein. And in case you're wondering, the seemingly random titles are picked from movies, books, series, or anything else that has a similar theme to the text. Also, this is one of my more "stream of consciousness" posts, so brace yourselves.

Amestris Revisited
I have found myself in a place which I thought I had finally escaped from. In this place, love, hatred, and sorrow threaten to converge and consume me, and despair pervades everything. But only in the past week I have managed to partially journey out of this desolate corner of my existence.

Mine is an arduous venture. But, it has to be undertaken, lest I fall into the miasma of self-loathing.

And all through my journey, my thoughts have turned to the person responsible for my presence here. And that is where the hatred ends.

For even in these dire times, there is only love present in my memories... even when they are tainted by sorrow.

Yet, I am relieved to be heading away from this place, and that the Gate that threatened me once has never appeared once. Because that path is never to be taken again, by anyone.

Rei III
As I walked through UK's campus a few days ago, I couldn't help but notice the emptiness. Granted, it was spring break, but the isolation pervaded everything. I was the only being for what seemed like miles, other than the occasional squirrel.

I realize that I might have friends to talk to me, keep me company, or even entertain me in the future. They also exist in the present. They may be few in number, but I believe that I can count on them when times of darkness arise...

But even so... Why do I still feel as I did on that day, wandering through a vast, empty wasteland? Why am I constantly looking over my shoulder, as if expecting someone to appear and befriend me? Or perhaps, betray me?

Or am I constantly looking at my past? Though I know I can never stop looking back to the great times I have had, perhaps it is obscuring my vision of what lies before me.

Grace
After my constitutional through campus, I obtained a key to my future. This small thing, fitting minutely within the palm of my hand, will be with me every day from hereon out.

But whatever the situation, whether I am wanted or I am treated as a pariah by those dearest to me, I must collect and find my identity again.

After all, an identity is thought to be the first cognizant thought of sentience.

And I... am Ryan Evans. No matter what may come.

The Girl... And yes folks, it's spelled with a Y

2006-10-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

*Note from the author: I had originally written this post late Friday through Blogger, and mysteriously, the draft disappeared. So, her we have version 2.0 of the first post of my renewed effort to blog.*

And so, I have returned to the land of blogging, after far too long a hiatus. A lot of things have happened in my extended absence, many of them for the better.

A lot of my friends have asked about a certain person in my life, and I would be remiss if I did not illumine my readers to her involvement in my life.

And so, it is very fitting that this first post be dedicated to my muse and inspiration, my love, Jayne.Meeting her two months ago was the single greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the same feelings of happiness continue to surround us with the same strength. Since our first date, she has become the most important thing in my life and will continue to be.

I love everything about her, and take a great amount of joy in the fact that she feels the same way about me. Everything about her is beautiful; her smile, her voice, the feel of her hand in mine or our arms about one another... I could go on forever...

There are many who have described us as disgustingly cute... And that we are... And proudly so! To those of you who might be gagging right now, you'll just have to get over it.And now, I address the love of my life personally, as I know she is reading this:

I love you, Jayne. You are everything to me, and every day is completed only when I get to hear your melodious voice and/or see your beautiful face.

I love you.

As mandated by the esteemed Mr. Shafa...

2006-07-12T23:37:00.000-04:00

Since I commented on Dariush's blog, American Twentysomething, I am obligated to re-post this little challenge:

If you comment here:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. I'll pick a song that reminds me of you.

If you do this for me, you have to re-post it on your blog... provided you have one, that is. Dariush threatened fiery deaths if this wasn't done, but I'm a little more merciful.

Do it, or I'll sic Dariush on you. You don't want to be on the receiving end of what may emerge from his mind...

I know it's only a filler, folks. I know I've been silent for nearly a month and a half. All will be explained later.

Thunder and Lightning... Very, Very Frightening: Beauty Brings Chaos...

2006-05-31T23:49:00.000-04:00

*Note: The first part of this post was originally scrawled out during my lunch break at work, then revised and transposed into the form you now behold. The rest was written exclusively online, and thus might be slightly different on a stylistic level.*

As I began the perilous voyage through downtown Lex Vegas today, I noticed a small, dark cloud formation hovering in the midst of the city, despite the rather ambient nature of the rest of the sky. A few stops later, I heard a monstrous clap of thunder, and turned my gaze back to the clouds.

It was then that I saw it...

Lightning. Not bolts, not completely illuminating flashes, but explosions of lightning igniting admist the heavens.

A sight both beautfiul and terrible to behold. On one hand, it looked to be something that could have heralded the Apocalypse, the coming of Unicron, the summoning of Bahamut, or any other world-destroying event that a movie's investigated, exploited, or ridiculed.

It's moments like these that make me wish that I had my camera with me at all times. The illuminatory display continued on for the remainder of my voyage, accompanied by the resounding orchestra of thunder that shook the glass panes of buildings for miles.

Then, the hell began. The sheer amount of electricity or ionization in the air caused a few brownouts upon my arrival, which effectively disabled the air conditioning in the building.

Let me state outright that working a seven hour shift in an unventilated building, with it's enormous primary windows facing due west into the sunset, is not an exercise in pleasure. Thankfully, I had one of the few true individuals there to keep me company and entertained throughout the evening.

Then the power went out while I was at Common Grounds with Nollard.

Beauty does indeed bring about chaos...

P.S. The blog's been looking somewhat bare lately, with very few comments. I'd appreciate any feedback regarding my writing, even if you're one of the dozens of random, anonymous readers whom I see in my stats everyday. Plus, I like to get to know my readers...

Fighting The Infestation...

2006-05-30T09:13:00.000-04:00

Goddammit...

Not even a half a week after peace has been reestablished in my home, the one who was responsible for the conflict has appeared here again. For the purposes of this post, and any subsequent posts, let's call him The Forbidden One. It does rather reflect my general attitude toward him.

According to Syko, the Forbidden One showed up, unannounced, shortly after I went to sleep on Sunday. Though knowingly unwelcome here, he appeared under the pretense of retrieving his belongings.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the Forbidden One gained my hatred and contempt after being allowed to stay here every night for over two weeks by Proph. In that time, he tried to use myself and Syko as his own taxi service to get to work, even to the point of him somehow obtaining my cell phone number and frequently calling me in the middle of the night for a ride. His calls went unanswered.

Also among his transgressions was the fact that he used my razor, and then tried to deny that it happened. And, the ultimate offense was the fact that Proph allowed him, this king amonst parasites, to store some of his stuff at the house... and did not bother to tell us that he had moved out of his apartment, and had set up base in our basement.

And now, he has been at our house since Sunday. Proph says that she doesn't want him here, but thus far, she has done nothing to get him out. In fact, by constantly hanging out with him and allowing him to stay here, she just seems to be encouraging him to stay!

I don't understand how Proph can keep associating with the Forbidden One. It has been obvious to nearly everyone that has interacted with him that he is a piece of excrement, a parasite on society...

Tonight, there is to be a meeting of the remaining roommates. And the matter of this forbidden parasite is to be dealt with. I rue having to be the bad guy in a situation, much less one as volatile as this. But, I will do what I must...

This is my home, dammit...

And I defend my home... No matter the cost...

Time Is Marching On...

2006-05-29T22:38:00.000-04:00

Interesting... I've gone over an entire month without updating my blog. How I have let things slide. And for that, dear readers, I apologize...

A number of events occurred one after another in this past month, and managed to snowball into what one of my friends would rather crudely classify as a "gestalt clusterfuck." The last of these events nearly destroyed the allegiance, comradeship, and friendships that exist in my home. Great was my anger, and needless to say, the thoughts and feelings that careened through my mind were for my knowledge only.

Friendships have been tested, tempers have flared, and though I often have the patience of the Dalai Lama himself, my limit was actually realized. I owe Mouse a huge debt, for hanging out with me and keeping me tethered to my own sanity during all this.

But, no more excuses. I now stand poised, and feel quite obligated to provide you with daily updates. These may be nothing but random musings and ramblings on slow days, but I promise them. That is, with the exceptions of days when I am out of town, with no connection to the almighty Internet.

Well, that finishes this announcement... 'Til tomorrow, loyal readers!

Equivalency...

2006-04-15T02:23:00.000-04:00

Sigh...

You know, I should abort my promises about posting regularly before they even formulate within my mind. Seriously, I honestly seem to post nearly daily whenever I don't plan for it... Maybe it's the fact that I feel more at ease to write when I know that I'm not going to be tethered by the obscene weight of a promise to report on every inconsequential and superfluous moment of my life...

Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? But, I digress from my main point...

The past week and a half has been a period of great personal discovery for myself. What we are apt to accept as the truth about our lives can often be discarded, only to discover that something far greater lies beneath that particular layer of reality.

However, even in such a positive turn of events, one must be cautious. I have taken things slowly, attempting to ensure that the mistakes of the past are not repeated. Thus far, though, things have exceeded even my expectations. And, it is my prediction that with luck, things shall continue on this ascent toward excellence. Right, Kristen?

And for those of you who I've thoroughly confused, I shall indulge your whims only once, and throw back the abstract shroud of ambiguity that is the mainstay of my blog.

I'm dating again...

But, the true subject that must be broached in this post, as I continue this diatribe about my own life, is friendship. Today marks the first of many days working alongside a person whom I regard as a very close friend. This is truly an unparalleled stroke of good fortune, as this particular friendship emerged from a very rocky start.

Also, it would seem that communications have been renewed with a friend with whom I not only have a great deal in common, but also could be a match for my sense of humor and my indeliable wit. Good to hear from you again, Megz. I'm sure that the good times will roll themselves out when you reach Kentucky.

Elsewhere, all does not bode well. Communications have all but ceased with one friend, whom I regard almost as a sibling. Though a physical gulf looms between the two of us, we always stayed in touch. Recently, though, it seems that I have been pushed to the side, to make way for a new order... Or, simply forgotten.

Another whom I hold in the highest regard and respect seems to only seek my company as a means to an end. My company seems only to last as long as my specific use or functionality in a number of situations. Once the situation has passed or has been dispelled, I am no longer desired.

It would seem that in this imperfect world, each positive value or experience must have a correlating negative.

Equivalent exchange... Such is the way of the world...

To quote Fullmetal Alchemist:

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost."

How true those words seem to ring...

Those who fight further...

2006-03-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

I realize that it has been quite a while since my last update, and I do apologize to the loyal readers out there. The last little period in this concept we accept as time (Ask me about my theory on the cyclical nature of time one of these days when you have the opportunity...heh) has been an arduous and tedious portion of my journey of life. However, I have returned to the realm of blog updating at last.

Confusion and the unsuspecting nature of humankind lead to many of the problems and tribulations faced by both myself and many others. Like the ideas expressed in Neon Genesis Evangelion, one of the worst foes faced by a person is the unseen walls that shroud the hearts and minds of others. In truth, there is only one greater enemy in the unspoken hierarchy of opposition that an individual must face - that being the individual's own self.

But, I digress. The barriers that separate our thoughts from those of others, and the problems that often arise from them are the subject of this post.

A recent acquaintance, who after a long parlay and what seemed like a genuine interest in your humble narrator, now barely acknowledges the offerings of friendship presented to them. This has caused a great deal of perplexity, as the first chance encounter seemed to be a positive one, and the conversations that followed only added to that notion.

Also in my thoughts is what I would call a confirmed friendship. However, though we are friends, the strain from some unkown source seems to be slowly ripping the very fabric of that friendship asunder. As such, it seems that the only time that my company is desired is when my abilities and skills are desired. Something has to change, as such actions are truly offensive, especially in the guise and under the pretense of friendship.

So, yes, such events are troubling. But, I stand poised to move past these perceived insults to my character. If there is something of value to be preserved, then it must be proven. My patience has worn thin, and I must stride onward with confidence, knowing that if they do not do anything then there is no profound loss.

Across the mirrored plane, I have made a new friend with whom I have had many a great and interesting conversation. The humor and wit of this person is a match for my own, and I look forward to speaking with them again. I know they read this, so welcome into the inner circle of The Evans' acquaintances/friends...lol.

-This post marks not only the renewal of regular updates, but from this point my Blogger and MySpace blog entries will be synced (See, Nollard, I take your requests into consideration). Also, in return for a mention and fun joke within a friend's blog, this post is dedicated to she who uses the moniker "Sexy Madame." That is all, The Evans has spoken...heh.

Light, in the absence of eyes, illuminates nothing...

2006-02-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

There are times when I can be blind to the world around me, or even damn nigh oblivious to any sort of situation that may be occurring around me.

I've been fighting through a fog of uncertainty for the past year or so. I've come to many crossroads, beaten paths, and even impassable cliffs on my journey. This journey has been an arduous one, to say the least...

All the while, I could see no further than beyond what lay before my outstretched hand. Many were the times that I felt that that hand only destroyed whatever or whomever it came into contact...

I have since learned that this is not so... That the only thing that could be destroyed by mine own hand and determination is the very fog enshrouded forest that has long held me captive.

And I have done just that... I have torn asunder that which kept me imprisoned within my self, and the blinding light has shown me the convergence point that I've avoided for so long. Behind me lies the winding path of who I was before...

the shy high school student...

the pre-pharmacy student too weighed down by his own limitations and fears...

the naive and unsuspecting friend who allowed himself to be used both in public and private...

I can see the different aspects of myself as I am now at these crossroads. I see myself as the musician, the acknowledged writer, among others. At the same time, I can see the aspect of myself that I had always known about at some level... It is scantly recognizable in the blinding light, but I know that it is me.

And now comes the question one wonders: Does The Evans take the path before him?

We shall see...

In Retrospect: Albums of 2005

2006-01-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

Every human being, whether they'll admit it or not, looks back upon a period of time and reflects on it. I, though I do try to be an individual amongst the masses, am no different. So, my readers, my January posts will be peppered with at least one of these "In Retrospect" musings each week. In these, I'm basically going to be looking back over some aspect of 2005 that interested me.

Today's aspect happens to be music.

Anyone who truly knows me also knows that I could really care less about most of the dribble pumped out by the music industry these days. However, two albums in particular stood out to me, even to the point of me buying the albums. This is an amazing and unprecedented event, given my usual high level of "music piracy," as the music industry terms it. I prefer to call it "browsing an available cultural library."

First of all, we have Laura Veirs' Year of Meteors:

Now, as I am already a sucker for an artist or band who's heavy on acoustic guitar and poetic lyrics, I snatched this one up as soon as I heard "Parisian Dream" on Live365. Granted, this is not everyone's cup of tea, mainly because singer-songwriter Veirs' lyrical style is kind of hard to follow and the musical soundscape's pretty fragmented. But the lyrics in this album (her fifth) are some of the most intelligent I've heard since Jethro Tull's Aqualung. If you listen to it, I'd also really recommend "Rialto," "Through the Glow," and "Where Gravity is Dead."

Tied with that is the long-awaited album Extrordinary Machine by Fiona Apple:

I've been waiting for this one for a long time, given Apple's long hiatus from the music scene. It's a combination of her old sultry, almost morose style with a nearly showtunes-esque kind of flair. Like her original album Tidal (I still have my original, extremely worn out copy of it back home), piano abounds. Check out the titular "Extrordinary Machine," "O' Sailor," and "Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song)."

That's all for today, loyal readers. Like I said, there will be at least a few more of these "In Retrospect" posts during the month of January. This is a sort of consolation to you, for not posting for much of December. 'Til then...

Does One Resolve to Keep Resolutions, or Pass a Resolution to Resolve?

2006-01-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

I am usually not one to make New Year's resolutions, as it has often been my opinion that you don't have to use a specific day to mark any true dedication to something. However, this year is different. Far too much has happened in the past month to not set down some basic guidelines for 2006.

So, my resolutions are as follows:

1. Eat a little healthier and get back into running daily. I haven't run in nearly two months, and I'm starting to feel the general lack of energy. I'm also back into the mid-160s, which isn't bad for a guy of my stature. But, I'd really like to get down to about 150 again. I've also got to get out of the "working retail rules my life" thing, and stop running to Taco Hell everytime I get hungry with only a half-hour lunch.

2. Update The Rambling, Wandering Evans on a daily basis. I know that I've mentioned this one before, but it's best that I reiterate it. There will be a post every day, barring unavoidable mishaps with the Internet.

3. Get more of my stories published in the Kernel. I managed to churn out eleven last semester, but I know I can do more.

4. Try to reestablish old relations that I've let slip in the past few months, strengthen the ones I held on to, and establish new ones... Yes, I know this sort of declaration is hackneyed and stilted, but I must make it, nonetheless.

4. Learn to count... Please tell me someone got my feeble attempt at a corny joke...

6. Renew my relentless music pirating on the Internet. Arr...

Not much to say in this post. Tomorrow's will have a little more depth to it, I swear.

A Long Silence Begets A Longer Tale

2006-01-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

Welcome, one and all! And so, the year 2006 is ushered in with... a new, long-awaited post.

I realize that I haven't updated the blog since mid-December, and I've even caught hell for it from a few of my readers. Apparently, they don't enjoy my promises of daily updates that never truly happen. However, those promises will hold true from now on. One of my New Year's resolutions was to update The Rambling, Wandering Evans on a daily basis, and so I shall.

But, I digress. The lack of updates/posts for a half a month was intentional this time, for reasons I will explain shortly.

The Christmas season has been a strange one for me. Within a week and a half, the happiness which I had found was lost. The details of this are known to only a handful of people, and I'd rather not blatently declare them to the general public. I spent a week back home, enjoying the splendor and swag of rampant consumerism... err, I mean Christmas. The break from work and the opportunity to escape Lex Vegas for a while really did me some good. It gave me a chance to really clear my head, or at least make a start at doing so.

One of the reasons I did not post was because after my last post regarding happiness, an anonymous reader put up a red herring comment which is still on display. Let it be said here and now that reader had no idea as to what I was talking about, and obviously put it there to instigate something.

In fact, I don't believe that any of my readers know exactly what I was talking about unless I told them in private. I'm amused at people's conclusions upon hearing about happiness. The emotion and feeling is a different experience for each individual; it depends entirely upon perception. Happiness could be the speed while driving, the looks of respect from others... Hell, as The Beatles once said in The White Album, "Happiness is a warm gun." Heh.

And so I used this as an experiment. I let the comment be, but turned on comment moderation afterwards. I have, needless to say, been simultaneously amused and angered by responses to that comment. Some were hilarious, while some were simply immature attempts to bolster one's own sense of self-worth by belittling others.

Hence, I must set down what I had hoped to avoid outright stating, as I rather enjoy the ebb and flow of chaos that seems to accompany blogging: ground rules.

The Rambling, Wandering Evans is an open forum regarding my life. Criticism, advice, and outside opinions are both welcomed and encouraged. However, immature remarks which have no real constructive purpose (see the above) are not. The same goes for red herring comments whose only real purpose is to fool my readers.

This blog is kept ambiguous for a reason. You'll notice that I rarely mention people by their real names here, and I only elaborate as much as I see fit about events in my life. My initial circle of readers knows me well enough to deduce what's going on or who I'm talking about. If you wish to know more about the my life and the people in it, ask/comment and I'll be more than happy to tell you.

Sorry for the epistle, folks. This was just something I had to get out in the open. Check back tomorrow night, where the fun begins again! Stories of my holiday escapades will abound!

Awakenings

2005-12-15T01:08:00.000-05:00

The past twenty-six hours have been full of awakening and life-changing events.

Tuesday night ushered in an epiphany for me, though it didn't truly hit me until later.

I woke up this morning, and caught a ride to my 8:00 a.m. final... and as I was walking across campus, I realized that everything was different. My perception of myself, of reality as a whole, had fundamentally changed. It was like a continuation of that moment of clarity you experience after awakening from a dream.

My senses were hightened. I was aware of so much more than I had ever before perceived. And even now, I still feel those effects.

What happened, you may ask? The answer is as simple as it is sappy.

I found happiness.

While I will not divulge the details of my epiphany, I will say that it has completely changed me. I went to work at 4:00 p.m., and never once did I feel as if the negativity and intense hatred pent up in that place would consume me. I have never felt like this before.

Never before have events fallen so favorably for me. Never in my most fevered dream did I think that one day could undo eight years of general distrust, guardedness, posturing, and being treated as a social pariah. My sincerest thanks go out to they who made it possible, as well as other corresponding emotions.

Thank you... You know who you are.

The Fog of War... err, I Mean, Sleeplessness

2005-11-27T19:09:00.000-05:00

Remember how I said yesterday how I said that I had to be back at work at 2:00? And if you don't, just scroll down for a second and humor me. Please, I'm not verbose enough at the moment to reiterate my point.

That's about the time I left work, too. Only, about twelve hours later. So, with schedule for this week in hand and laundry awaiting me, I ventured home. It was after I'd emptied my pockets and stuffed the colors in the wash that I actually looked at said schedule.

And then I notice that I have to be back at work at 9:00 am. Thus, what could have been one of my typical four hour sleep cycles was eliminated.

I worked until 6:00 pm, running on no sleep and more than a few Red Bulls... or was it Starbucks? You know, in actuality, I can't definitively recall anything that happened today. I just know that it happened.

I've compared my experiences at work the past few days with a war, so it's only fitting that I spend at least one day in the trenches surrounded by a fog, never knowing what's truly coming or going around me, carrying out orders without thought or objection.

And with that, it goes without saying that I am exhausted. So, no long post/epistle tonight. Just sleep.

Survival of the Fittest

2005-11-26T11:13:00.000-05:00

10:30 pm, yesterday. A barren, upturned wasteland. The smoke clears, and the disheveled and wearied people gaze out from behind the makeshift bunkers forged from the registers and piles of discarded clothing.

And then, out of the haze, comes the revelation. Somehow, we at the store have survived Black Friday.

The visciousness, frustration, and sarcasm of the customers was fierce. Their pettiness knew no bounds, and most disputed every price that was presented at the register.

I was still extremely sore from my workout/physical abuse, so the day was even harder. Throw in the fact that I was already dragging from the drive back to Lex Vegas, and you get one tired and irritable Evans.

Thank God I had D there to keep me tethered to sanity. Though new, she has this incredible funny and goofy side that can make anyone feel a little bit better. That, and she's brutally honest... A quality that most may not appreciate, but I certainly do. It's a rare quality that you find in people these days.

After escaping my devastated prison at about 12:30, I quickly grabbed a bite to eat, then promptly collapsed onto my bed.

There's not much to talk about in this post. I've got to be back on the battlefield front by 2:00. 'Til then, everyone.

A Moment's Respite

2005-11-25T07:18:00.000-05:00

I have, much to everyone's delight, calmed down quite a bit since my last post. I'm able to think a bit more clearly, my mind has become somewhat more uncluttered, and I am in much better control of my emotions. And no, this is not me waxing philosophic while in my self-induced Thanksgiving food coma.

Rather, I was up at the all too brisk 6:00 am, swinging a makeshift quarterstaff and working out every bit of my love, my hate, and my sorrow... not to mention about five pounds of turkey, peanut butter pie, and every other foodstuff shoveled onto my plate yesterday.

My little moment of illumination came even after I realized that every one of the muscles in my torso was aching and burning from the intensity and strength of my moves and blows with the staff. In only an hour, I had managed to push my body beyond its limits and could do nothing more.

Allow me to illustrate the circumstances leading to the moment and its message before I actually tell you what that moment entailed.

I walk back inside my father's house just in time to hear my phone ring, and who do think was on the line.

Her. The call I had dreaded. feared. and yet hoped for all week.

We talk, and it's strained at first. But, after the first few, awkward exchanges, it's like old times again. We talk about our respective insane families and trade horror stories of the holiday. Within mere minutes, our natural state of being geeks emerges and we discuss Adult Swim. We do love our Fullmetal Alchemist and S-cry-ed.

An hour passes, and I realize that with the exception of my apology for descending into madness, neither one of us have mentioned my shattered feelings or confidence. But, I look at the clock, and realize that if I don't clean up and begin on my return journey to Lex Vegas that I'm going to be late for work on lovely, lovely Black Friday. So, we part and promise each other that we'll talk again.

Then it hits me. I think I have finally achieved something, though it took an enormous amount of self-hatred and negative emotions over the past few days.

I have become enlightened. For that hour, I was able to trascend whatever negative emotions had gripped me. For me, this is amazing.

Well, I thought I'd comment on my recovery. My apologies to whatever readership I might have. Sources tell me that it might actually be up to five people now.

Now, I go to work for nine hours on Black Friday, in one of the largest retail stores in Lexington. Let's see how long I'm able to trascend negative emotions in that environment. And to those who also have that pleasure:

"To you who are about to die, we salute thee." 'Nuff said.

An Odyssey of the Soul

2005-11-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it appears that I've survived Thanksgiving. Though the day has not been without its incidents.

First, we have the physical anguish. Though I felt like eating nothing today, given my current level of self-loathing, I ate to the content of someone's heart. An unfathomable amount of food entered my system, leaving me to feel quite bloated for the rest of the day. All this was done to foster the illusion that nothing was wrong with me.

Then, in an attempt to compensate for all the food intake and to work out the hatred still permeating my being, I spent nearly the entirety of the afternoon practicing moves with a make-shift quarterstaff. I think I might have over done the intensity of the motions, as the few muscles in my torso that are registering any type of feeling are providing me with an onslaught of pain.

Then we get to the mental anguish. The situation which I extensively mentioned in my last entry has gone absolutely nowhere. I have not heard anything at all from her, which is especially bad considering we're in the exact same small town at the moment. I am currently too distraught to intiate contact again.

And my hatred of myself and everything I represent continues to grow. 'Tis a behemoth which devours my being.

I realize that I've done exactly what I swore not to do: find a girl and just fall for her without going through the "normal" channels of dating. Well, fuck those channels. They've never worked for me before, and apparently I'm some sort of wretch who girls have no interest in.

Case in point: I've been told by nearly every girl I've ever asked out (short of just being ignored or laughed at) that the girl just wants to be friends or that I'm too much like a brother to them. By this logic, I have enough friends to last me at least three lifetimes, and I am apparently related to just about everyone on the goddamn planet.

I haven't been able to think of anything else all day, and it's seriously detracted from the quality time with the family.

Speaking of family, it's done wonders for my confidence when I found out that my mom was NOT having Thanksgiving dinner at her place. Instead, she decided to jet to a teachers' conference in Vegas from Wednesday til Saturday. And when did I, her forgotten child hear of this?

At 10:00 Tuesday night. From my father. Who doesn't even speak to my mother anymore except in the direst of circumstances.

This is all doing wonders for my confidence. I'm starting to question whether my mother even gives a shit about me anymore, or if this is another of those insane grudges that she holds against people for imagined or circumstantial offenses against her. I don't know, and I'm almost past the point of caring.

In a nutshell, I can't win whether I'm "normal" or "abnormal." So, ladies and gentlemen, screw people and their preconceptions of what the accepted are. Screw the limitations of the bourgeious and the proletariat, the acceptance of the elites or the plebian masses. And if the new, dark tone of my blog does not please you, then feel free to leave. It doesn't matter with me.

For I am nothing.

Thanksgiving Revelations and Reflections

2005-11-23T23:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving...

Seems like it's too early in the year for this to be true, but alas, my perception of time and space are once again skewed toward the warmer time of year.

It's a time of celebration, of being with family and friends. It's a time of being thankful for what you have and the abudance which you shall recieve. Of course, in our modern context, this expression means that you should be looking forward to the incoming onslaught of food being shoveled onto your plate and to the shower of commercialized Christmas gifts you feel entitled to in just a month.

However you interpret the phrase, I honestly don't give a damn about celebrating. I am currently and maybe quite permanently incapable of experiencing the warm feelings that come with this holiday.

I discovered on Monday, during my customary reading of friends' blogs, that the girl I like and one of the few human beings on the goddamn planet that I actually trust doesn't actually give a damn about me. My feelings for her, which I have tried my damndest to hide and at times actually surpress, have apparently made even hanging out "an awkward, weird endeavor." And apparently she's incapable of talking to me about this. No, I had to find out by reading her damn blog.

I sent her a text message, apologizing for anything I did and stating that I wished to speak with her.... Twelve hours, a day of not going to class and barely surviving work in my self-loathing and depressed state, and a fifth of bourbon later, she still hasn't responded. And it is in that inebriated condition that I send her another text message, mirroring the original. She barely responds to it, saying that there's some sort of emergency with her ex, a man who I think has hated me since we first met.

I wake up this morning, and still nothing. My memory still being hazy from the alcohol, I send a message to see if she is awake also. Nothing. And as we've been friends for almost a decade, and I actually made the idiotic assumption that we had a connection, this once again hurts me and breaks my heart a little more.

I didn't go to class today either. I barely made the drive home because I'm so tired. I'm sorry, Jess. I just wish you'd actually talk to me.

There is one common theme in the phrases "scourge of God" and "blight upon humanity." Me.

I'm pathetic. I hate myself.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, ladies and gentlemen... At least someone should.

Good Times For All

2005-11-09T23:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I'm actually saying this... but I actually enjoyed work tonight. Maybe it was the slow business day, or the fact that there was nothing to bring out my overcompetitive nature. Regardless, it was fun. I managed to become the sarcastic, wisecracking Evans for a night, rather than the moody and cynical Ryan that I've let dominate my work attitude lately.

Adding upon my good fortune was my stop at Barnes and Noble on my way back from home. I stepped in with my usual intent of mulling around for an hour, browsing through everthing and buying nothing. But as I was heading toward the exit, I saw it. A hardcover copy of Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching... for $13.oo. Not only is this a steal, my readers, but I've been trying to replace my battered copy for about three years now.

I apologize for the lack of pictures in today's post. I forgot to charge the digital camera last night, so I couldn't snap any of the interesting sights I've encountered today. With any luck, I won't be quite as absentminded in the future.

Oh well, I've got to cut this post short and proceed to the grocery store for my usual talk with Prophecy. We're supposed to have an insane movie day tomorrow, featuring greats like Sin City, and maybe two others. I don't work at all, so we've essentially got the entire day. So, don't be surprised if I report another good time tomrrow!

News Flash: Not Posting Leads to Heckling from Readers

2005-11-08T23:32:00.000-05:00

First of all, may I offer my apologies to what little readership I have. I know I didn't update for a long time and then I shut down the blog until I decided to do so. But, now that my school schedule has died down a bit, I can hold true to my promise for daily updates. Besides, I might have actually obtained a few more readers in the downtime that we've experienced.

I've been rather excited over the last week. My latest story in The Kernel wound up being the front page centerpiece of today's paper. So it would appear that my hard work's starting to pay off. I wish I could say the same for Old Navy. They continue to evasively push back my cash handling training, and it is starting to really piss me off. If something does not change with the way I'm being treated there, they're going to lose one of their best workers.

In other news, the moving in of my two new roommates is under way. Dever and I are trying to get the house straightened up so that the landlords will be able to inspect the place. After that, we simply add Prophecy and Sykotic to the lease and move them in. To have this many of my old friends living in the same place is going to be great. That, and I don't have to go bug Prophecy at work when I want to talk to her...heh.

I'm very confused these days, though. I seem to have finally connected with the girl I like, but at the same time we just seem to remain friends. There seems to be some nervousness on both our parts. But we see and talk to each other almost every day, albeit in a group setting. I hope that the next few days might yield some answers. Positive ones, I hope.

Oh well, I suppose that's enough ramblings for now. Tomorrow night's post will be better, and might even post a humorous picture or something. 'Til then, loyal readers!